If there is any feeling that we all know so well, it is sad. At some point in our lives, we will all feel it, be consumed by it, and feel the unique sadness it brings us.
Just like when someone dies, studies show it We grieve after the breakup(Opens in a new tab). And as we all know, there are seven stages of grief: shock, denial, isolation, anger, depression, emotional outbursts, and finally acceptance. But what’s missing, especially in terms of a breakup, is the part that all people feel after a relationship breakdown: mourning for lost time.
After acceptance sets in and you realize the relationship isn’t going to be rekindled, you’d think most of us would embrace freedom, re-download dating apps and get back out there. But more often than not, there is a period of grieving over time when you feel wasted on someone you now lost, even if it was for a good reason. So, how exactly do we shift this mindset away from feeling like we wasted valuable time in a relationship that just won’t go away?
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Panic after separation for lost time
“I don’t make the relationship seem like a business transaction, but I feel like I’ve lost an investment,” Daisy, the 26-year-old store manager, tells Mashable. “My boyfriend of six years broke up with me about three months ago, and while I feel like I’m mostly getting over it — I don’t think about him as much anymore and I’m on apps and meeting people — I’m just pissed off that I put so much of myself into that relationship and now I have nothing to show for it. her term.
“Not to make the relationship a good deal, but I feel like I’ve lost an investment.”
She adds, “When I think about it, and I try not to, I really did spend my twenties with him. I have no idea if it was worth it. I can’t stop thinking about what my life could have been like if I had gotten over him, and spent my twenties I spent my life doing what other twenty-somethings used to do: partying, meeting a variety of people, trying different jobs. I can’t stop feeling like I’ve lost my most important years to him.”
This feeling is even more prevalent for some after the pandemic, which has distorted our notions of time and sometimes made us feel as if more time has passed than ever before. For many of us, the pandemic has also left us Feeling anxious about the amount of time we’ve lost To lockdowns and how much we had left to do the things we wanted. Add in a breakup, and you have the perfect combination for panicking about where all our time has gone.
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It’s common to feel like you’ve wasted time or lost a piece of your life when a relationship ends because these partnerships are often built on emotional investments and shared experiences, says dating and relationship expert Callisto Adams, PhD, in sex counseling. “When a relationship ends, it can feel like you’ve lost not only a partner, but a part of yourself and the future you planned for,” she told Mashable.
“This can happen for a number of reasons. For example, people may feel that they have lost their sense of self or self-worth, or that they have missed out on opportunities or experiences that they would have had if the relationship had continued,” she explains, adding that they may also feel guilt or remorse for not ending relationship sooner.
Break up in your 30s
Elaine, a 34-year-old property manager who asked that only her first name be used, has been experiencing the same kind of mourning for nearly six months. She and her partner ended a mutual relationship about seven months ago, after eight years together. She can’t stop wondering if those eight years would be better spent somewhere else.
She told Mashable, “I’ve always been the type of person who knows exactly what they want to do with their lives. I had a very strict idea of when I wanted to get married and have kids, and how long I wanted to be with ‘the one’ before that happened. It wasn’t a breakup with someone.” Being in my 30s is part of that plan.”
Elaine says she got over the actual relationship after a few “very difficult months.” They both know it’s not right, and she gets more and more frustrated every year that he didn’t propose to her.
“That part is, after I realized we weren’t right for each other and were going our separate ways, I could just get over it,” Elaine says. “But do I have to start my whole life plan from the beginning at 34? I burst into tears every time I think about how much it takes me away from my goals, and how much more urgent it is now that I’m older. Not in terms of age and all the people who are chasing new things.” At an older age, but let’s face it. There’s a biological clock that limits my time with kids. And I wanted to have them at 35. That doesn’t happen anymore.”
She continues, “What frustrates me the most is wasting more time feeling angry about the time I’ve lost. I keep switching between feeling upset about the years gone down the drain, which I could have put into someone who wanted the things I want, and angry that I’m wasting more.” It’s been a while now and I can’t pull myself together.”
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Adams explains that this feeling of sadness for time lost in a failed relationship can get worse as we get older, especially if we want to get married or start a family, because relationships are no longer just relationships. They are basically the ways we get to the life we want.
“As we age, we may feel more pressure to settle down and make long-term commitments. We may also become more aware of the limited time we have left to find a partner or start a family,” Adams explains.
Adams adds that this sense of wasted time can likely occur when the relationship is toxic or harmful. “In these cases, the emotional investment is often greater, and the feelings of betrayal or loss can be more intense,” she says.
28-year-old barista Hattie, who also asked that only her first name be used, left a toxic relationship two months ago, after five years together for “constantly yelling at each other over the smallest of things.” She told Mashable, “The first two years were good but then things went wrong. We were constantly arguing, and sometimes those arguments would end with him just disappearing for days. Then he would just show up again and refuse to tell me where he was. That was really toxic.”
“I finally left with the help of my friends and I think we both felt great. We were mean to each other and we definitely need to get some therapy and work on ourselves.”
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Hattie continues, “I feel so much pain during the time I was there. I should have ended the relationship as soon as things got worse. Why did I wait three years? I always see these messages on Facebook and Instagram about life being too short and needing to pursue the things you want and feel.” That I failed. I wasted all that time.”
To stop obsessing over time that was lost due to a bad relationship, Adams says it’s essential to focus on the present and the opportunities available to you now. “It’s also important to take the time to process your emotions and feelings and seek support from friends and family,” she adds.
“Get involved in hobbies or activities you enjoy, practice self-care, and seek professional help if needed. It’s also important to remember that it’s normal to feel grief and loss after a relationship ends and to be kind to yourself while navigating this process,” recommends Adams.
Our grief over the time lost when a relationship ends is ultimately rooted in the societal notion that being single, after a certain age, means failure.
Abandon the ideals of the parental relationship
Thanks to good old-fashioned capitalism and pro-natalist culture, which centers on the nuclear family as an ideal we should all come to terms with, most of us have grown up with the deeply ingrained notion that we should spend our 20s looking for a partner, and settle down with them permanently when they’re about 30. . According to one study,(Opens in a new tab) These systems make it so that when we don’t achieve these societal milestones, we feel anxious, depressed, and anxious about viewing family, especially in-laws, and our peers as a failure—especially for those with limited resources. This means that we tend to measure our success based on romantic accomplishments obtained at as early an age as possible, and subconsciously place goal posts about our relationships — even if that’s not how we actually feel about romance. And separation can get us away from that imaginary finish line.
“We see relationships ending as failures because society often views relationships as a measure of success and happiness.”
Adams explains that “we see relationships ending as failures because society often views relationships as a measure of success and happiness. People may feel that they have failed to find or maintain a loving, healthy relationship.”
It is also normal for people to look for “flaws” in their own behavior as a defense when the relationship is toxic, harmful, or abusive. We’ll think things like “I wasted my time with him when I could have done something else” because, sometimes, it’s easier to pretend the experience was your fault and thus avoidable in the future, rather than it being entirely up to the person we were related to. . This is of course not true. No one is ever cruel to you over something You an act.
This idea that a relationship breakdown is a personal failure is capitalism in its truest form. We were raised with the message that the typical relationship that evolves into a nuclear family is the final destination, and that every relationship breakdown is a personal setback.
But we all have different ideas about what we want our lives to look like, and putting yourself out there to work on a relationship that ends up not working is never a waste of time. It’s brave and fragile.
What can help is a look at the lessons we can learn when a relationship ends. Many times, relationships fall apart as a result of an unfortunate incident, breach of trust, or some type of argument. Within these cases are lessons to be taken in our future relationships and the way we take care of ourselves. It’s time to collectively rethink what relationship success really means. People will come into our lives, leave again, and each time we will learn something about ourselves. The relationship will end, but that effect will always remain. There is no failure in that.
Remember that all relationships in life will come to an end, perhaps weeks, years, or decades after the death of a partner, but they will all come to an end. Things that end are not “failures”, just lives. You can view your relationships as endings, or just things you’ve been through and are now free to try something else.