border It’s the latest mental health buzzword, but for good reason: It allows us to express what we want, and to feel secure in our relationships.
However, setting boundaries isn’t easy—especially in the bedroom. “In a culture that praises people for being calm and flexible, it can feel like we are harassing people by setting clear sexual boundaries,” said a gay sex therapist and expert on sex toy brand LELO, Casey Tanner(Opens in a new tab).
But in reality, setting boundaries builds trust between partners. Tanner said that if someone knows their boundaries will be respected, they’ll feel more confident taking risks and exploring with you. We asked experts like them to explain boundaries, and how you can set them with your partner.
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What are the limits?
The word “border” gets thrown around a lot, and not always correctly. “I’m putting a limit on my partner,” said the relationship, sex, and mental health specialist, for example, not a limit. Rachel Wright(Opens in a new tab). Why? “Boundaries are things we set for ourselves that we are not available to,” she said. “I can’t talk tonight” is the limit. “I will not participate in this conversation if you talk to me like that,” she limits. “
With sexual boundaries, it’s the same: it’s our own preferences. Examples of sexual boundaries said by Wright include: “I don’t like to be touched here,” and “I’m not interested in anal sex.”
“Whatever the case, it has to start with ‘I,’” Wright said.
Wright’s advice is, first and foremost, to know what those boundaries are for you. Recognize that it can and is likely to change over time—just as our desires can change.
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“You’re the only person who can set your own sexual boundaries,” Tanner echoed. After you communicate it to your partner(s), everyone involved is responsible for their upload and check-in over time.
Sometimes boundaries can be more subtle than an absolute yes or no answer, and it may take self-exploration to see where you draw the line.
They went on to say that one of the challenges people face is not being sure where their limits lie. Sometimes boundaries can be more subtle than an absolute yes or no answer, and it may take self-exploration to see where you draw the line. “This is why it’s so important to adopt a practice of consent that allows you to say ‘no’ halfway through trying something,” Tanner said. “You can always revoke your consent, even if you initially think you’re interested.”
If setting sexual boundaries is intimidating, Tanner recommends setting non-sexual boundaries with people you know support you. Try saying “no” to an event you don’t want to go to, for example. By practicing boundaries in a low-stakes environment, you’ll be more willing to stand up for yourself in sexual situations.
Contain the borderline conversation
Once you define your boundaries, the next step is to share them with your partner. “The best way to do that is by ordering a container,” Wright said. The container, in this case, means a specific time and place for an important conversation. A way to ask is, “I’d like to have a conversation with you about sexual boundaries. When is the right time?”
“You can always revoke your consent, even if you initially think you’re interested.”
We might ambush our loved ones with these sensitive conversations and trigger them without consent, which doesn’t go over well. If someone just had a bad day at work, for example, their mind will be somewhere other than what you want to talk about. This may make you feel rejected – but asking for a container can help.
Tanner said that if this in-person conversation is difficult for you — or you’re meeting someone for the first time to hook up — you can discuss boundaries via text or a dating app beforehand. Try to start a conversation about boundaries and desires before the meeting.
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How do you tell your partner about your sexual boundaries?
Once you’ve decided on a time and place (preferably private, say your living room), you now set your boundaries and have an open conversation.
Discuss which areas of your body you’d prefer not to be touched, penetrated, or touched without a barrier (like a condom) — or at least without consent first every time, said the sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Birkheimer, LMFT(Opens in a new tab).
Tell your partner any words or scenarios that you might find uncomfortable, and ask them to do the same. Examples of Berkheimer’s being called are being too controlling or submissive, offering toys, or refusing to play.
discuss exciting possibilities that are on or off the table; Read Mashable’s guide Discuss kink with your vanilla partner. If necessary, enter a safe word or a prearranged word to stop a sexual activity for the time being.
Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you have boundaries. If it feels good to be involved, by all means, do; If you aren’t, that’s okay. “Even a gut feeling that says this isn’t right is a good reason to set sexual boundaries,” Tanner said.
If you have multiple partners, you can also have different boundaries with different people! Boundaries with an old partner will feel different than boundaries with someone new.
Keep an open mind when talking about your intimate values, Bergheimer said, and embrace the fact that we’ve all internalized different narratives about sex and our bodies.
“We were informed about our families’ culture, perhaps personal trauma, past relationships or the media,” Birkheimer continued. “There’s a lot of messaging that happens before we’re ever physically involved, so in order for us to feel safe with intimate partners, they need to be willing to show that they’ll stick to the limits we ask for our mental, emotional, and physical health.”